I am a genius

I've had a few articles swimming about in my head recently and I guess that's what led to the creation of this blog. As anyone who knows me will know, this is a significant capitulation to market forces. I do not like anything that is popular. I resisted reading Harry Potter until the last novel was published (No regrets - I enjoyed it, but I also enjoyed not contributing to Ms. Rowling's already significant income and not having to fight with anyone for that last copy in the shop/library). I am an anti-populist prat who thinks he's superior to everyone else just because he prefers more obscure, less popular things, like the Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. And the one thing I hate above all, is crowds. So what on earth am I doing here in the already overcrowded blogosphere? (Every fibre of my being railed against using that word. Alas, a suitable alternative failed to present itself)

Unfortunately, like many others who share my superior complex, I feel the need to trumpet my achievements to the world. Like how I fixed the heating in our flat yesterday. Our electricity supplier had been mucking around again and when the fourth power cut finally ended about a week ago, everything came back but the electronic programmer for our heating system. Which meant that as Britain fell over, crushed by the apocalyptic 8 inches of snow, we had no heating in our flat. Fuses were changed. In the best traditions of the IT professional, the programmer unit (and the mains, and the heater, and the light bulb in the hallway) were turned off and on again several times, in the hope it would send a little flicker of electronic life pulsing down the pre-war wiring into the wretched thing, bringing heat and life to us all. No such luck. And so a week was spent huddling around our portable heater, praying that our pipes wouldn't freeze. Until yesterday, when I finally remembered there was such a thing as a user manual, and got round to digging it out.

In the pages of the hallowed tome (who would have thought a little thing like that needed a novel to tell you how to work it?) there was a reference to a previously unknown battery, including instructions on how to access it. Worth a try, I thought so screwdriver in hand, I prised off the cover and set to work. The battery looked fine, but I found dustballs in there older than I was. I swear, some of those things were developing consciousness (and feet), much like Dust Puppy in User Friendly. Like all conquering humans before me, I paid no heed to their cries for mercy and offers to trade, and blew them away. And lo, there was heating again. It turns out that the dust had gathered to a point where it was affecting the connections between the wiring and the unit itself (that's my theory anyway). We returned to civilisation. And that's the story I wanted to share, which led to the creation of this blog. Reliving this, it seems so pointless, so I apologise for wasting your time. If you must take something away from the 20 seconds it took you to scan through this, here, have this: I am a genius. It is undisputed. It is why this blog exists. It exists, therefore I am (a genius).

And how did my lovely lady respond to the announcement that we had heating again? "I hope you washed your hands". No tears of gratitude, no declarations of undying love. Not only am I a genius, I am an underappreciated one. Score.